Depression is a helluva drug. It seems that everyone suffers from it. Before you start sending out those tweets and emails, you need to hear me out. There are various forms of depression: clinical, manic, funk, bummed and simply tired. I have never really dealt with depression my entire life. However, as of late, I have been fighting some bouts of depression. When I mean bouts, I am talking “Thrilla in Manila” types of bouts but I think much of that resides in my inability to notice the cycle. Until recently.
Normally, from my observation, depression is usually a battle between light and dark. When I mean light and dark, I mean the light of the outside saying to keep moving ahead against the dark of my mind. The mind: that evil layer of insecurities, doubts and the most fucked-up shit that would scare the most hardened police officer. However, because your brain knows what will set you off quickly, it seems that the world is out to get you. Which it is…but that is another blog for another time.
Depression will creep up on you slowly. Eventually, you realize that it has completely encompassed your psyche when positivity ceases leaving your lips. Some will confuse that with sarcasm, but sarcasm functions on a different level. Sarcasm is your inability to not say what is on your mind, but when you flash a smile on the end of the sentence, people will believe you’re joking and that emergency call to 911 has been averted.
I mentioned earlier about the cycle (see paragraph one), it is what you perceive, absorb and react to the stimuli going on around you. By that, I mean, you perceive things are going to shit, your mind absorbs that things are going to shit and reacts that things are going to shit, so it is time to die. Many times, I have been able to see things go bad, have a small pity party then move on to what’s next. Although, when you have a multiple of those negative stimuli, it becomes harder to see what could even remotely be next.
Recently, I have been trying to move into a more positive state. Blocking out much of the negative stimuli out there in the world as of right now. However, it seems that no matter how much I try to push ahead there are things that keep trying to keep me down. Things that happen to me personally, things that are going on around me or negative people that just love killing my vibe with negative news that I could not give a damn about.
I have allowed the negativity of my own mind and others to force me to lose things I love. I have spoken about this in other blog posts on other sites but it was recently that I started to see the forest for the trees. Passion. Love of things that define you. Forget the negative that is going on around because people are so bored they have to be angry about something. Do what you want to do. Be who you were meant to be.
I feel stuck. I feel that if I make one change, things will crumble around me. That should not matter. Things to this point have not gone my way. It does not have to be this way. However, I need to make that change. Nothing is going to change for me. Better yet, I have seen how things worked out by doing nothing and it has sucked. I have let anger, fear and aggression dictate many things in my life recently and it has not been fun.
Some people can come to the realization alone and have to work to make things better. Some people need medication to give them that step up, but there is not one end-all, be-all cure. You need one ounce of strength, desire and determination to make your life better. Break that cycle that will keep me in bed for the next week because I believe the bullshit around me. In the end, depression is a helluva drug. Although, it is time to make depression my bitch.