If you have been following my Facebook page, you know I haven’t had a great month. So much so that we didn’t even record the last two podcasts of the month. You always hear the concept that when life is hitting you hard with something, you are about to come out the other end better than you were going in. I kind of hope that is true because I am not sure how much more I can take.
I constantly feel as if I am in one of those games where you are constantly killed in the same point every time and once you make it through, you hit another boss that you seem to cannot beat. Much of it is too personal to share on a blog but it has shaken me to the core of who I am. Yes, I do have a fear of abandonment as I lost both my parent just outside of high school. That makes me insecure but as I talk a good game, I do want adulation, which is why I do a podcast and these blogs.
Basically, this past month has played on those fears. Not only that, they hit me in the softest parts of my heart. My nearly three-year relationship with my girlfriend ended. She decided to start a new life for herself in Arizona to work on some things. Naturally, you cannot find yourself when you have something from your old life tethered to you.
The change was sudden and swift. At the beginning of the month, it felt like she was moving in with me and by month’s end, she was off to another state to start a new chapter of her life with an old high school friend. During that point, many things happened that made my birthday very lonely and worked on those fears. No friends around to hang out with and no one to spend time with.
I know what you’re thinking: “wha wha! Grow a pair.”
After that I lost my cat of nearly 17 years and that was the final blow for me. Of course, many other small things happened up until the second to last day when my glasses broke. I nearly lost my laptop but I managed to save it for the time being.
Much of this stuff may not sound like big deal, other people have problems bigger than that. That is true. However, this matters to me. That is what is important.
As we start June, I have a bit more firmness in the ground knowing the direction of life. My relationship has ended, which has been in limbo for the last month. My cat has passed, who was sick for a bit. It seems like things have finally happened. Now what?
I think that is a moment when you respawn. You have been killed so many times that you still need to finish this level. This level has hit me hard. Like with many games I have played, they get too hard and I stop playing it to never finish. I felt this a lot this month. Like I was done playing this game. It was time to put it down and give up.
I think that is a pattern that I need to break. So what that I truly hate my job. It gives me money to continue with the life that I am living. I can find another one and I should smile and know this one will not continue forever. Look for more friends. With similar interest. Try to reconnect with old friends and start that up again.
There are things that I can do but it matters if I want to pick up that controller and give this game another go.